This story shows how the threesome broke up between Hiei, Yusuke, and Kurama. Warnings: Yaoi, lemon, some sap, tons of angst, death, Yusuke POV (and he's talking to someone throughout a good portion of the fic...you'll see as you read it) Pairings: Hiei + Kurama + Yusuke, Yusuke x Kurama, Yusuke + Hiei Notes: This fic takes place before the harem is formed. It takes place right after Kurama's human form dies, so no one else in the harem has been introduced. /la la la/ = song lyrics

It only hurts when I Breathe by Chibi Shi-Chan It hurts. I never have felt so much pain in my life. I would go back and fight in all of those tournaments, and missions, and even those fights I had at school...because I know the wounds I got from that is nothing compared to this wound I have now. Losing you has to be the toughest battle I have ever faced. /I played the fool today And I, can see us vanishing into the crowd/ When I close my eyes, I can still see your smile. I can see that beautiful face lit up in happiness. I can see large, expressive green eyes shining, and I can see long red hair blow in an unseen wind. I can see you doing homework, sleeping, eating, running around and having fun...and I see myself by your side the entire time. I can see you lying in a bed of roses, panting and moaning, gasping in passion and looking at me with so much love in your eyes. I can still hear your voice in my head you know, speaking to me, crying out with me. I can see you fighting by my side in battle... ..and I can see you falling to the ground, so much blood around you as you try to hold on...and I can see those eyes I fell in love with sink in defeat, knowing that soon those eyes would be closed to the world forever. It happened so fast, one minute the three of us were fighting and the next you were being taken away from us, from me. I was in such a state of shock, and I remember that I couldn't really breathe at all. I remember that Hiei was the first one by your side and I just stood there, frozen. I remember that you smiled at me, at us, during your last minutes. You tried to speak to us but you just ended up coughing up blood. I remember, I told you not to speak and to save your energy, and I remember the pain I felt when you finally did speak, only to say something that would stay in my head forever. "It's too late for me." /Longing for home again But home, is a feeling I buried in you/ You told us, you said for us to take care of each other. That was your way, always concerned over others and not yourself. "Don't worry about us, just worry about that tattoo you're going to get over that wound, and worry about how you're going to explain it to your mother." I had said, trying to smile at you, trying to tell myself that this wasn't happening. You laughed at me then, it was a soft laugh and filled with so much pain that I felt it too. Hiei was quiet, I remember that he was very quiet, and he let me hold you in my arms and just watched the two of us. "I'll...I'll just tell her that...it was some crazy thing you did Yuu-chan..." You had said to me, still smiling. I laughed then, holding you tighter and rocking you in my arms, and I remember that my laugh was also full of pain. Hiei smiled at us then, a sad smile as he held your hand in his. You looked so pale, and I knew that I was losing you, because as you were leaving me I felt you take my soul with you. I felt like I was the one dying, because I was. With you leaving I knew that I had nothing left. My kawaii red head was leaving me. My little Shuuichi, my Kurama...wasn't going to be here anymore. "I love you two." You sounded so sad, and your voice was so low that I barely picked it up, but I did. "Love you too Kurama..." But you didn't respond. I looked over at Hiei who had his head bowed down in sadness, and he let go of your hand. I then turned to look at you, and your eyes were closed and you weren't breathing. You were already gone, and so was I. /I'm alright, I'm alright. It only hurts when I breathe/ It still hurts you know. I know it's been weeks since it happened, but it still hurts. Everything reminds me of you. I have tried to move on I swear I have, I try to say to myself that you aren't really gone, but it never works. After that day, as expected, you went back to your youko form. And I swear I am trying my hardest to be happy with that aspect but...it's not the same. It's not you, it's not who I fell in love with. I fell in love with the boy who looked into my eyes and asked me if he could keep that mirror to save his mother, the one who let me carry him out of the ring when he needed help, the one who always thought out his moves before he made them... ..the one who held us all together. I am trying to do as you said, to take care of each other, I am really trying. But, I can't get use to the youko, and I try to go back to the way things were when you were here, with Hiei, but it just isn't the same. And deep down we both know that. We both know that no matter how much we care for each other, it isn't the same without you. And I know the youko is trying, he really is, but his ways are different and new to me and I just can't...accept them. I don't know what to do, it hurts so much, every move I make it hurts. Every bone in my body aches, and I swear everytime I breathe I am in pain and ready to break into tears. /And I can't ask for things to be still again/ I am now looking at that picture of us, you know the one. The one that is framed on my dresser, the one where you are winking at the camera and you are soaked with water. I am standing behind you, my arms wrapped around your waist and I'm soaked with water too, and Hiei is there looking majorly pissed at the world because he is wet too. But his eyes don't look pissed, in fact, he looks quiet amused and the both of us are kissing you on your cheeks. I smile a bit, my mind going back to the good times we had. I can remember them all as if they happened just yesterday. I remember when we got our own place, I remember the little house warming party we had and how surprised we were at the amount of people who came. Your mother was there too, but she had left early just before all the others came like Mukuro and Jin and Touya. I remember how shocked you were at the demons who showed up, leaving the demon world just to wish us the best of luck. I remember laughing, teasing you because you still hadn't told your mother about being spirit detectives and about you being a youko. So we had to have the others come after she left, so she wouldn't be shocked seeing people who had horns in the middle of their heads. Poor Jin had to wear a hat to cover his horn, remember, so he wouldn't scare off the humans they passed. And Mukuro, she just said something about a car accident to anyone who asked, saying just what we told her to. It was a lot of fun, and I don't think you ever smiled so much...first getting luck from your mother and then all of our friends...it was a very comforting thing. And we were all surprised that your mother was happy for us, you were so worried that she would be upset about your preferences. She was so happy for you, in fact, I think she already knew about us and was just waiting for you to tell her. She has always been proud of you, which is why you were afraid to tell her about your true self. She knows now. I remember a request you made to us one day, you had asked that if you ever left to tell your mother about everything if you never got the chance. I remember, that just before this mission that took your life that you were going to tell her. She understands everything, and in her heart her son is still there in the youko. I wish, I could be like her and accept things so easily, but I can't. I remember that the three of us went. Hiei was there, I was there, and the youko was standing behind us. I remember her crying when we told her that you were dead, and I remember that the youko had held her in his arms. Then she got a good look at him, and before we could even tell her anything about being spirit detectives or your true form...she knew. "You're my son, aren't you?" She had said. The youko smiled sadly at her and nodded, and after that moment explaining everything was easy. "And you will always be my son." I remember her saying that, but I remember that I felt sad once again. She would always have her son, but I felt that I would never have my Kurama back. And I...still feel that way. /No I can't ask for you To offer the world through your eyes/ As much as I want you back, I know it will never happen. I remember pleading with Koenma to give you a chance, like he did with me. I remember promising him anything if he could just bring you back to me. He couldn't. He said he was deeply sorry, and that losing that part of you was hard on everyone, but he couldn't bring you back. He had said, that you were still here, just in another form. But I couldn't accept that, and still can't. It's not the same. It just...isn't. Youko Kurama and Minamino Shuuichi are two different beings to me. I fell in love with Minamino Shuuichi, and I lost Minamino Shuuichi. Youko Kurama, he isn't the one I fell in love with. He isn't my kawaii red head, he isn't...you. I want you to come back so badly but I know that you can't. I try to look at the youko and see you but, I can't. You...you were so kind and gentle and sweet. He...he isn't. He seems cold to me, and he never ever lets himself go completely to neither me or Hiei. You did, you had no problem telling us and showing us that you loved us. He...he tells us he loves us but I don't feel that he does. He seems to be hiding something from us and I don't know why, and it's almost as if he is...afraid to love us. I can't take that. I need you back, but I know that will never happen. It's too late, you are gone. /Longing for home again But home, is a feeling I buried in you/ I long for those moments we had. I can see them all in my head. I can remember that time, when you were doing homework and I made you forget about it. I smirk at that memory. I can remember, us going to the mall and picking out silly outfits for each other, and Hiei staring at us...you know the stare he has that clearly says, "You are a baka." I find myself laughing a bit now, remembering that time where we had that mission and the guy kept calling you a girl until you kicked his ass. That was so funny, the look on your face, you looked so appalled at being called a pretty girl. But you were pretty, you couldn't really be called handsome. Beautiful or pretty, something like that fit you more. And I will never be able to see that beauty again. /I'm alright, I'm alright It only hurts when I breathe/ I remember the last night we had, it was just the two of us. Now that I think about it, I think you planned it like that. I think you had some time with Hiei, then some time with me, because it was set up too perfectly. You had come in rather late that night, saying something about watching Hiei prepare for the upcoming mission Koenma had given us, and saying that Hiei probably wouldn't be back anytime soon. I didn't come along with you guys, I decided to just stay home and relax, thinking that this would be a simple mission. It sounded easy enough, to me at least, but you two were always on top of things so it was logical that you two would be getting prepared. I remember that I was lying in bed and you came in, putting on your pajamas so you could lie next to me. As soon as you hit the bed I held you in my arms and you smiled at me, but the smile didn't quite reach your eyes. "What's the matter?" "I just...I don't know it's just something a little odd about this mission." "Odd?" I really tried to pay attention to your words but you had a way of distracting me, so I occupied myself by massaging your shoulders, kissing and licking at your neck. The moan I got from that was really pleasing to my ears, so I made it my personal mission to get more sounds like that from you. "Yuu-chan, be serious for a second." But the fact that you were rubbing against me kind of cancelled that thought. "O.K. I seriously want you naked and withering under me." Before you could respond to that I had kissed you. Gods I miss your lips so much. It hurts so much to still be able to feel them against mine. You responded to the kiss, at first it was gentle but then it became rather hot and heavy, like how most of our kisses went. You use to say that kissing me was addictive, you use to tell me that my kisses were gentle compared to my bad boy image, and that Hiei's kisses fit him perfectly because they threatened to burn you alive. "So who's kisses do you prefer?" I had teased. "I love them both and I need them both." See, that's what I mean about you able to keep us together, you always seemed to have a solution to everything. That's why you being gone hurts me so much. I remember that I had started to unbutton your pajama top and you were squirming a bit under me, now that I was on top of you, kisses and licking at a spot on your neck that I knew was damn sensitive. "Yuu...Yuu-chan please...this mission..." "Shh...don't worry about it." I had whispered in your ear, my hands gliding down your chest, very gentle against your silky skin as I let my kisses travel lower. You were panting now, you body aching for more, but I felt something else that night. You really were worried about this mission. So I stopped and looked at you, a frown on my face. "Alright, what's bugging you about it." I didn't want to do anything while you were letting something trouble you. You sat up to look at me, a cute little frown on your face. "I don't know, it's just something nagging me about it. I mean, it sounds simple enough...go in, kill bad guy, the end. But...there's just something...I don't know...not right." I pulled you in my arms, turning you so your back was pressed against my chest and I let my hands massage your shoulders, trying to relax you. I can still hear that soft sigh of satisfaction you give when you are satisfied with something. "What's not right about it Kurama?" "I don't know...I mean...he didn't really give us that much information on it. I mean, I know Koenma doesn't always have information for us, but those are usually on the tough cases, not easy ones like this. And...he didn't even call Kuwabara on this one..." I had let my hands go down to your back now, frowning about how tense you were as I worked my hands up and down your back. "You know Kuwabara doesn't work for Koenma anymore, he's a married man." "I know he is but, you know Koenma would usually try and get him to do a mission...and he didn't even try." "Kurama...o.k. maybe something IS odd about the case...but you know that we always kick ass, no one can stop our team." You had smiled a bit, finally, you were starting to relax. I know at the time that was the only thought on my mind, to get you calmed and relaxed, I didn't want to think about any missions or how odd they were. Now I wish that I did, but then again I also know that no matter how prepared we were the result would've been the same. You would be gone. "Yusuke, there is something I want to talk to you about." There you were again, sounding serious as you pulled away from me to face me. "What is it?" "Yusuke...I...well...if something happens tomorrow you do remember what I asked you to promise me right?" "Yeah, tell your mom everything, but Hiei and I won't have to keep that promise because nothing will happen tomorrow. I think you're just nervous because you told us that after this mission you are telling your mother everything." "Yeah maybe that's it...but...that isn't the promise I am talking about...or rather...the promise I am about to ask you to keep." I frowned, I couldn't understand why you were talking like this, as if tomorrow would be your last day. "Listen, you know that if I die the youko comes back...forever. I will understand if you want to leave after that..." How could you say that, I remember myself thinking. I remember that I had actually gotten angry at you for thinking that I would leave you because of one little change from human to youko. But now I know why I was really mad. I was mad because you really were convinced that you would die in this mission, and that you were going to leave me. You knew, deep down you knew that I did care for Youko Kurama, but I didn't love him like I love you. You always knew things like that. "What the HELL are you talking about?" You had jumped at me screaming, your eyes looking a bit sad. "I'm saying that if you decide to leave I will understand...I want you to promise me though that if you do leave you find someone that will make you happy..." "Did you make Hiei promise the same thing? Do you honestly think that if you die and the youko comes back we will all separate like that? Do you have such little faith in us?" "It...it's not that I don't have faith Yusuke...I just...I just know that he acts differently then me...and..." I remember that I was really pissed at you for even saying that, but deep down I sort of knew you were right. That's the real reason why I was so mad, but of course I didn't tell you that. I had pulled you in my arms, giving you a fierce kiss that had both you and I surprised. I had never kissed you like that before, it felt almost angry and desperate, as if trying to tell you that you weren't going anywhere and that we would always be happy. I remember that I had scared you and you tried to pull away, and you did, your eyes looking a bit worried. "Yusuke please..." "...Kurama listen to me. Nothing...and I mean NOTHING...is going to happen tomorrow. And even if it did, and it won't, we would still be together. Do you understand me?" "Ha...hai..." You had touched your lips then, they were trembling and you were still looking a bit shocked at what was happening. "Did you tell Hiei this same thing?" "Hai...I just...want you two to be happy just in case..." I remember that I had actually growled at you and pressed you down against the bed, hovering over you and giving you another fierce kiss, my hands tugging at your pants, not even caring about the unbuttoned shirt. You were struggling, you were trying to get away, I know I was scaring you but I was scaring myself as well. I didn't want to hear you say that anymore. I wanted to make you stop saying that you thought you were going to die tomorrow and that we would be over. I...I needed to show you that everything was o.k. I needed you, at that very moment I never felt so much need for you in my life. You understood, you understood so you stopped fighting and kissed back. You stopped fighting and you began to tug at my clothes, trying to pull them off. I broke the kiss so you could get my clothes off, and we were both panting as I felt my clothes leave my body. I was naked and you still had the shirt on, unbuttoned, but I needed to see all of you tonight, and you understood. Damnit, you always understood me. /I'm alright, I'm alright It only hurts when I breathe/ You sat up and shed the shirt off, sitting there, watching me, panting and waiting for the next move I made. "You are not going anywhere o.k. Do not worry about this mission because we're all coming out of it alive." You nodded at me, and before you could figure out what was going to happen next I swooped down and took your erection in my mouth. You cried out my name, I remember that you were sitting there on the bed, back against the headboard, and I was lying down and gently carressing your arousal with my lips, my hands gently rubbing at your legs. I wanted to taste you, I needed to hear you, I needed to feel you...I needed you. And you understood it all, in that one movement you understood exactly what I needed. "Yusuke...please Yusuke..." And then I realized that you needed me too. I realized that you needed this moment just as much as I did. I realized that, Hiei probably wasn't out training, he was probably out thinking about everything...because I was almost positive that you two shared the same moment that we were having right now. You really felt that you were going to leave us, so you took us separately and had one last time with us. In the morning the three of us would be together of course, but tonight...tonight was just about us. I still wonder how exactly you knew this would happen, but then again I'm not surprised that you knew. "Kurama...I won't let you go..." You trembled against the headboard, gasping as I licked at the insides of your thighs, my hands rubbing up and down your back slowly. "I...I know...I know you won't...but..." "No...not buts Kurama...there is no but in this..." You cried out loudly as I suddenly flipped you over, putting you on all fours, and I began to kiss down your back slowly, nearing my destination as my hands gently spreaded your legs apart. "Yusuke...please...you have to understand..." "...there is nothing to understand..." I was now kissing and licking at your ass, teasing at the crack of your ass with my tongue. You squirmed, you whimpered, you begged for more, but it wasn't what I needed to hear. I needed to hear you say that you were not going to leave me. My one hand began to stroke your length while my tongue found your entrance, stabbing into it in quick movements that caused you to cry out my name. "Yu..." I didn't let you say anything now, my free hand going up to trace around your lips until they opened up for me, capturing one of my fingers. "That's it Kurama, don't think about that right now." I went back to rimming, my tongue thrusting into you as I moaned softly, and I could feel you moaning around my finger, capturing another one in that mouth of yours and worshipping them with your lips. The hand around your arousal stroked faster and you moved with it, letting go of my fingers to moan louder and louder. "This is about us, you and me, we are sharing this night together. There is no mission tomorrow, there is no chance of you leaving tomorrow, it's just us." I sat back and pulled you in my lap so we were facing each other, my now wet fingers entering you and thrusting inside, my eyes watching your body move in pleasure. "Just...us..." "That's right Kurama, just us." I had kissed you then, the kiss gentle and sweet as my fingers prepared you for what was to come. As the kiss continued I pulled my fingers away and lifted you up slightly, pressing you against myself. You then surprised me by pushing yourself down upon me, taking all of me in with one move. We both cried out, your back arched in the heat of the moment as we both moved together. You held onto me tightly, your face buried in my shoulder as we made love that night. I was thrusting into you and you were meeting each of my moves. We kissed, we touched, we were joined as one that night and we never let go. The lovemaking seemed endless, it was slow and it was erotic and the most beautiful dance I have ever danced. We watched each other, our eyes full of so much love as we came closer and closer to the edge. "Love you Kurama." "Love you Yusuke." "You will not leave me." I had began stroking you now to get my point across, to make sure you knew that this was not going to be our last time. You held onto me, going along for the ride as you begged for more. "I need to hear you say it Kurama, tell me you won't leave me." "I..." "Kurama! Tell me...tell me you won't leave me!" You closed your eyes tightly, your body trembling as you came closer to the edge, but I was not letting you go until you said the words. "Yusuke please!" "Tell me!" "I...I can't promise anything like that...please Yusuke..." You tried to grab my hand and make me move faster, I remember, but I took my free hand and grabbed both of yours, pinning them behind your back. You cried out loudly, whimpering and shaking and panting and needing to get that release, but I wouldn't grant it. "No...not until you tell me what I want...what I...what I need to hear..." "Yusuke don't do this...please...I can't make any guarantees..." I remember that I started to kiss and nip at any spot I could get to, teasing you and hearing you cry out until you almost got hoarse, watching your body beg for that extra push, but I was not going to give you anything until you gave me something. A promise to never leave me. "Say it Kurama..." "I...I can't...I..." "SAY it Kurama!" "I...I won't...I won't leave..." "Say it again...." "I won't leave you Yusuke..." I let your hands go and moved my hand, moving inside of you as quickly as I could, those words spurring me on. "Say it again Kurama..." "I won't leave you." "Again!" "I won't leave you!" We both hit the edge at the same time that night, and you snuggled in my arms as I held you tightly, a soft smile on my face. You had told me what I wanted to hear, you had told me that you wouldn't leave me. You lied to me. /My window through which nothing hides And everything sings/ And now here I am, sitting in our room. The same bedroom where we shared our last moment. I don't know where Hiei is, he's probably outside or something. I never really know where the youko is, and that's one of the reasons why I feel that this relationship isn't working without you. I know I said that nothing would change, but like you said, the youko acts differently. That's why you said what you said, because as usual, you knew. I don't know what to do, one part doesn't want to end things, but the other part feels that it is best. I'm brought out of my thoughts as the bedroom door opens and Hiei steps in, changing into his pajamas and climbing into bed with me. You know me and him don't really talk anymore, it's like a system we have, we do whatever we want then we lie in bed together...and that's about it. But for some reason tonight feels different, because he leans into me and I hold him in my arms. I do wonder where this sudden change of mood came from, but I don't object. I think I have forgotten what it feels like to hold him. It feels nice. "Have you seen him around lately?" I ask. He knows who I am talking about and he shakes his head, not saying anything at all. "Where does he go?" "Who knows." I sigh and hold him tighter, and he accepts the hold. "You're leaving aren't you?" I blink in surprise and let Hiei go, staring down at him. "What do you mean?" "You're easy to read Yusuke, you're not happy. You're going to leave." Am I that obvious? "I was only thinking about it, I didn't say I would do it..." "Yusuke, what did Kurama say before his human aspect died?" I frown and turn to look up at the ceiling, not wanting to meet Hiei's eyes right now. "He told me that he would understand if I left, and if I do move on to find someone who makes me happy." "You aren't happy...why are you still here?" I turn to glare at Hiei, looking a bit hurt. "You want me to leave?" "No, but I want you to be happy, and I can tell that you are not happy." /I'm counting the signs And cursing the miles in between/ He's right, I am not really happy. I was happy with you being here, but I'm not really happy with the youko being here. At first I thought, that me loving Hiei would be enough. But, not even that is enough. I do love him, but you...you and I seemed to have a different kind of love. But, I still feel as if I should stay here, with him and the youko. I told you nothing would change, would it be betraying you if I did leave? "Yusuke, do you know what Kurama told me that night? He told me...the same thing he told you...to be happy. I...I will be happy if you are happy...and you will be happy if you leave." "Hiei..." "Also, I think he told the both of us to take care of each other. This is for the best...for you to move on." He sounds sad, but at the same time he doesn't sound sad. It's like, he knew that it would come to this some day. I guess this is the day. "Are you...going to leave too?" I have to know what he is going to do about this. I mean, is he really happy about me leaving? Is he going to stay with the youko? "No, I don't think I am. I have a feeling that I need to stay with him." "Are you happy about this?" He holds onto me a bit tighter, a small frown on his face as he thinks about his answer. "Kurama...had a feeling that you would leave if his human form ever passed on. That is only because the youko's ways are different...and he knew that I would be used to it. It's a demon world thing I guess, the way we act is different then humans." "But that shouldn't matter...I'm part demon..." "You were raised human though Yusuke, and that makes a world of difference. I...don't know how long I can stay with him like this...but I'm going to try for as long as I can..." "Hiei...I do love him...but I just can't...get use to this at all..." He nods to me, and tightens his hold around me. "It's understandable..." "And...I love you too Hiei...it's just..." I blink when he puts his lips on mine, and the kiss is very soft and gentle. And sad. I kiss him back just as softly, and we hold each other as the kiss continues. It's full of happiness and sadness, happy that we have finally come to terms as to what to do, and sad because of what those terms are. I will always love Hiei, and I know he will always love me, but this...this can't continue. And we both understand that, and we both accept that. "But for tonight...can we just...act as if tomorrow we'll still be together?" I ask him, looking a bit sad. I know that the decision to leave is mine, but it is still very hard. "We'll always be together, just on a different level." We smile at each other and share one more kiss before he snuggles into my arms. I hold him and eventually fall asleep, never really wanting to get to tomorrow but knowing that I have to. Things will be different in the morning. /But home, is a feeling I buried in you That I buried in you/ I wake up to an empty bed, and I'm not really surprised that it's empty. I'm sort of glad it is, because I have a feeling that I need to do this without Hiei being here. I hear the front door open and peak my head out the bedroom to see none other then Youko Kurama entering. He catches me looking at him and he gives me a small smile and I give him a shaky smile back. It's now or never, but I think you are here watching me, making sure this goes o.k. I do love you, I still do, and I am sorry that I can no longer stay here. But when you left...that was it for me...and I knew that things could never go back to the way they were. It just took me a long time to admit it out loud, and to do something about it. /I'm alright, I'm alright It only hurts when I breathe I'm alright, I'm alright It only hurts when I breathe/ And now it's time for me to move on. It's time for me to see if I can find that happiness I had with you. At the moment, it seems impossible, but I will try. Who knows, maybe I'll come back here to be with Hiei and the youko, I don't know. But I know that right now I can't go on without you, I can't keep staying here with them as if I'm not hurt or that I'm o.k. It hurts too much, and I have to get away. I can't be with the youko because he isn't the same as you, and I want you. But, you are gone, and I know that I should accept that but I can't. I love you... ..Minamino Shuuichi. /When I breathe It only hurts when I breathe/ I square my shoulders and slowly walk over to the youko. He looks up at me and frowns a bit. "What's the matter Yusuke?" "I...I have to talk to you." /When I breathe It only hurts when I breathe/ Owari back to harem page